Play on Words...

- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 

- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

What Is A Kiss?

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. 

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing. 

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. 

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart. 

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria. 

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction. 

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic. 

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned. 

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply. 

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old. 

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? Im not familiar with that term.

Heckuva Engineer...

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. 

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Legal Semantics...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. 

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...deputy says, "License and registration, please." 

Lawyer says, "What for?" 

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ..." 

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." 

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" 

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" 

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes off his gloves and starts slapping the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

It Takes Fifty Years To Learn...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

7. Never lick a steak knife. 

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 

14. Your friends love you anyway. 

15. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The Barber of Seville...

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."

Italian Mathematics...

A recent Italian immigrant comes to New York and wants a job. However, the foreman at the job site won't hire him until he passes a little math test. 

"Here's your first question," the foreman says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees. 

"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian. 

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." 

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." 

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." 

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. 

So, when I start?"

The Terrible Toothache...

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. 

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it!. 

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already! 

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" 

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." 

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" 

The man turned to his wife and said, 

"Quick, open your mouth, honey, and show him."

The Young Children and the Sea...

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: 

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. 
(Kelly age 6) 

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer.
(David age 7 - His brother is okay!) 

Oysters' balls are called pearls. 
(James age 6) 

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7) 

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. 
(Kylie age 6) 

A dolphin breaths through an butthole on the top of it's head. 
(Billy age 6) 

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. 
(Millie age 6) 

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. 
(William age 7) 

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? 
(Helen age 7) 

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 8) 

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7) 

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. 
(Laura age 5) 

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. 
(Valerie age 6) 

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. 
(Julie age 7)

Pearls of Corporate Wisdom

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." 
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA ) 

What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." 
(Lykes Lines Shipping) 

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." 
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." 
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation) 

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." 
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." 
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." 
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Rekindling The Romance.

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' 

To which he responded: 

"I found the remote."

Pet A Penguin

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. 

The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. 

The man agrees and drives off. 

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.

He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." 

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Who's On First, Part 2...

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word. 

COSTELLO: What word? 

ABBOTT: Word in Office. 

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". 

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? 

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. 

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! 

ABBOTT: Real One. 

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? 

ABBOTT: Of course. 

COSTELLO: Great! With what? 

ABBOTT: Real One. 

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? 

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". 

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? 

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. 

COSTELLO: What word? 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! 

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. 

COSTELLO: It is? 

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. 

COSTELLO: And that word is real one? 

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. 

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. 

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. 

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? 

ABBOTT: One copy. 

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. 

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . . 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? 

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

Who's On First, Part 1...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

ABBOTT: Mac? 

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: Your computer? 

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. 

ABBOTT: Mac? 

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? 

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows? 

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? 

ABBOTT: Office. 

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT: I just did. 

COSTELLO: You just did what? 

ABBOTT: Recommend something. 

COSTELLO: You recommended something? 

ABBOTT: Yes. 

COSTELLO: For my office? 

ABBOTT: Yes. 

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? 

ABBOTT: Office. 

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. 

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!

All You Need Is Love...

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. 

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. 

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. 

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" 

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had casket buried upside down..."

The ABCs of Aging...

A's for arthritis; 
B's the bad back, 
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? 
D is for dental decay and decline, 
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! 
F is for fissures and fluid retention, 
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. 
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; 
I is for incisions with scars you can show. 
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, 
K is for knees that crack when they bend. 
L is for libido, what happened to sex? 
M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! 
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! 
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? 
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! 
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; 
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. 
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? 
X is for X ray, and what might be found. 
Y is another year I'm left here behind, 
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. 


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, 
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Rules To Live By, Part 2...

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Rules To Live By, Part 1...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) 

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.